Space. The final frontier. These are the continuing… Just kidding. Well, it is possible to be a geek and still be sexy, no? The internet, with all its vast resources and loads of pictures seem to suggest that. Anyway, Star Trek is really not where I am going with this little piece of writing. However, that television program did touch upon a point that I think is worth exploring. That point would be the notion of vastness.
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One of the less amusing points for me to dwell on when considering my current situation in life is time. To put it succinctly, how much of it I have lost not being me. The majority of trangenders become aware of it early enough in life that they get to spend the majority of it being who they are meant to be, assuming that they survive the trauma of acknowledgement and transformation, neither of which is a guarantee. In my case, it is true that I was aware of my difference while I was a child, but a rather traumatic episode happened in my childhood causing me to suppress this. There are moments in my life that I can look back at and say, with confidence, yeah, that was ‘me’ looking out and trying to break free of the subconscious shackles. It happened in high school, the military, during my first marriage, until, finally, in my second marriage the walls came down and I was forced to face who I really was. This was and has been such an unbearably difficult process that I can’t even begin to explain it. What the crux of this commentary is about, however, is that, as painful as this is, I get to begin occupying the space I am meant to. Yet, I have lost, probably, 30 years of ‘me’. I never got to buy a prom dress. I didn’t get to wear a wedding dress. I wound up in the military in an attempt to learn how to ‘be a man’. My life was inexorably altered in a very surreal way. Time is a funny thing. I look back at my life and it feels like it was lived by someone else and I want it back. I know I was there. I made choices. Yet, it feels like I was a rider in the back of another’s mind. I was jailed and didn’t get to do many of the things I think I would have liked to. Subjective time feels like forever was spent in a lie. Subjective time feels like my future is about as long as a commercial and I have to hurry and live everything I did not get a chance to before I am too old to enjoy it. The perception of time is a highly sophisticated function of the mind that engages nearly all of the faculties of the brain. This encompasses physical sensation, sense perception, memory, the ability to craft plans for the future, emotions, and self-awareness. To explore this sense of time is a fascinating exploration of consciousness. Some of the ways in which we perceive the passage of minutes and hours is hardwired, but many more are learned behavior. It becomes not only a reflection of who we are, but also of the culture we are a part of. I know this is all very silly. I should live one day at a time and make the most of each one. I know what it is like to lose time. I lost decades.
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Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
April 2019
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