My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
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Well, I really needed to get this done. I meant to put in my review of Carter and Lovecraft for weeks now, but circumstances and procrastination make for terrible bedfellows when you want to get things done. Well, here is my attempt at putting some words to paper, so to speak. I need to preface this with the fact that I am a fan of this author so, while I shall attempt to be as unbiased as possible, I cannot guarantee that there won’t be times when I skew a bit more than I ought. So, with that in mind, off we go. You know, there are times when I think about fate and just want to grab her panties and give her a wedgie from hell. It’s like that line from Lethal Weapon, “If you’re going to fuck me, kiss me first.” I’m not saying I have a terrible life or that I need sympathy back rubs (though I have this wicked knot around my left shoulder blade, so if your free…), but damn, a girl can take only so much. I just bristle at the fact that I’m on this path and the route ahead is pretty much fixed and I hate it. I’m still in that place where I need to let go and let my ex move on with her life. That is to say, finding a companion. She walked along the path a little further, noting the richness of the sounds around her. They did not necessarily always grace her ears musically, as there were dissonant chords embedded, but the layers were pleasing. As she rounded the corner, she felt a disquiet mounting like a shadow slowly consuming a room. Ahead were forks in the footpath. As she gazed forward, there was no view to be had as to where either led, for both were concealed behind the fullness of the wood. She was struck suddenly by a realization. She had begun along a familiar course, but somewhere along the way, unbeknownst to her, she had become lost. The fullness of her will and intellect brought down upon this circumstance did nothing to alleviate the fear growing within her. There were no guiding stones upon either way forward, nor could she be sure that retracing her steps would bring her to familiar ground. This was the most uncomfortable intuition of all. In fact, she was certain that, somehow, that which she once knew to be true, wasn’t. She was not even able to easily pierce the growing dread that began permeating every inch of her spirit. The dissonant chords began to overtake the melodious; the darkening wood seemed to be a reflection of her internal state. She knelt and let the shadows have her.
"For a long time, I was afraid to be who I am because I was taught by my parents that there’s something wrong with someone like me. Something offensive, something you would avoid, maybe even pity. Something that you could never love." - Nomi from Sense8 “The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we’re too afraid to be who we really are.” – Nomi from Sense8 I think about these lines. I think about them a lot. The fact that the second quote is spoken by a transgendered person while relating a small piece of her history to another who is struggling with his own demons just goes to show that it applies generally. I naturally apply it to myself and my own situation as a transgendered female. Hell, I just struggle with the idea of carrying that label. In a previous post, I believe I have explained why I dislike that particular label. Trans, as a prefix, implies a movement across something. In the case of a transgendered individual, we do not identify with our biological gender, so we move (trans) from the incorrect biological gender to the correct biological gender. Once you have completed that very difficult journey, you are no longer trans-anything. You are what is at the conclusion of your journey. Thus, when my journey is finished I will not be a transgendered female, I will simply be a female. That being said, this journey creates a lot of scars that aren’t always visible on the surface.
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Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
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