My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
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Initiation is hilarious! I know, I know, I have a pile of posts were I speak about how hard it is and the trials you go through and the misery that comes with it and how it is all worth the pain in the end. So, you’re thinking, no freaking way am I doing something that sounds about as much fun as participating in a real life Saw event. Yes, please, I’d like to chew off my own arm! I can’t say that the work I have done hasn’t been difficult and that there have been times where I wasn’t sure I’d make it through or even times I wanted to chew through a bottle of prescription medicine. However, there is a lighter side to all of this. Magic, initiation, the trials you put yourself through can be pretty damn funny. Those magicians out there who take their practice without humor, be warned; I am totally going to make fun of it. Wait, no, I don’t me your practice in particular, just the practice of initiation. Humor is an integral part of my practice and for all the shit I put myself through, I need to be able to look back and laugh. So I have this mélange of ideas roaring through my head like a fast flowing river. It woke me up in the dawning light this morning and wouldn’t let go. I am making the leap that my subconscious just couldn’t wait to toss water in my face and yell, “Wakey, wakey!” Mean bitch that she is. At any rate, my racing mind is primarily a result of my insurance company throwing another denial at me for gender reassignment surgery. This is the second time. The kicker is, I have the best insurance plan I have ever had short of when I was in the military. Yet, the plan I have excludes this surgery. In fact, while most of the major healthcare providers proudly exclaim that they do have coverage for this treatment/surgery, what they don’t tell you is that the plans that they sell to companies will exclude this coverage by default unless the company purchasing it specifically removes that exclusion. I’m pretty sure the providers do not advertise that this exclusion is in there (or any other for that matter). That being said, this is not really what I think I want to write about. What I want to write about, or more specifically, think about through writing is the why is it important to me. So, on Monday I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. She is a wonderful woman and we chat like girlfriends when I am there. Sometimes we even discuss the medical issues at hand when we stop gabbing long enough for one of us to bring up the topic. So, we get to talking about my reactions and health with regard to my current dosage of what I fondly refer to as my ‘girl pills’. This causes me to blurt out, “So, when do I get breasts?” Ha! I bet you didn’t see that line coming. So, part of me thinks that this whole transition process should be old hat by now. To some extent, it is. After all, I have had a lot of experiences and know many things. I know that the road is going to be difficult. I know that I am going to run into situations that I had imagined in my mind, but that the experience will not be what I was expecting. I am going to assume dealing with… whatever, is going to be hard and it won’t be. I will learn that the opposite of that is also true. I know that I will attempt to wedge myself into a size four and when that fails, I will go out and find some tools that will bend the laws of reality and make it happen. I know that I know nothing, much like I know that our foster dog will bark like a lunatic causing the megaphone he swallowed as a puppy to activate and make my ears bleed every time the garage door goes off. It is the knowing that I don’t know that makes this process so hard. |
Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
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