My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
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So I have this mélange of ideas roaring through my head like a fast flowing river. It woke me up in the dawning light this morning and wouldn’t let go. I am making the leap that my subconscious just couldn’t wait to toss water in my face and yell, “Wakey, wakey!” Mean bitch that she is. At any rate, my racing mind is primarily a result of my insurance company throwing another denial at me for gender reassignment surgery. This is the second time. The kicker is, I have the best insurance plan I have ever had short of when I was in the military. Yet, the plan I have excludes this surgery. In fact, while most of the major healthcare providers proudly exclaim that they do have coverage for this treatment/surgery, what they don’t tell you is that the plans that they sell to companies will exclude this coverage by default unless the company purchasing it specifically removes that exclusion. I’m pretty sure the providers do not advertise that this exclusion is in there (or any other for that matter). That being said, this is not really what I think I want to write about. What I want to write about, or more specifically, think about through writing is the why is it important to me. I seem to spend a lot of time not being anybody in particular. Sometimes I enjoy this or at least find it intellectually interesting. Most of the time it is uncomfortable and lonely. My issue is that I thought I knew myself pretty well. I have always been introspective and interested in the capabilities of the mind to hide itself from, well, me. I have always felt parts of my makeup have been missing, but I had always felt like I was, I guess, complete. Then, after years of probing, I figure out I was primarily living a constructed lie and the real me lay beneath layers of psychological protection that I was unaware I had built. It is some pretty impressive stuff, if I do say so myself. Too bad there isn’t a market for my mad skills! You know, there are times when I think about fate and just want to grab her panties and give her a wedgie from hell. It’s like that line from Lethal Weapon, “If you’re going to fuck me, kiss me first.” I’m not saying I have a terrible life or that I need sympathy back rubs (though I have this wicked knot around my left shoulder blade, so if your free…), but damn, a girl can take only so much. I just bristle at the fact that I’m on this path and the route ahead is pretty much fixed and I hate it. I’m still in that place where I need to let go and let my ex move on with her life. That is to say, finding a companion. She walked along the path a little further, noting the richness of the sounds around her. They did not necessarily always grace her ears musically, as there were dissonant chords embedded, but the layers were pleasing. As she rounded the corner, she felt a disquiet mounting like a shadow slowly consuming a room. Ahead were forks in the footpath. As she gazed forward, there was no view to be had as to where either led, for both were concealed behind the fullness of the wood. She was struck suddenly by a realization. She had begun along a familiar course, but somewhere along the way, unbeknownst to her, she had become lost. The fullness of her will and intellect brought down upon this circumstance did nothing to alleviate the fear growing within her. There were no guiding stones upon either way forward, nor could she be sure that retracing her steps would bring her to familiar ground. This was the most uncomfortable intuition of all. In fact, she was certain that, somehow, that which she once knew to be true, wasn’t. She was not even able to easily pierce the growing dread that began permeating every inch of her spirit. The dissonant chords began to overtake the melodious; the darkening wood seemed to be a reflection of her internal state. She knelt and let the shadows have her.
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Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
April 2019
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