I was corresponding with a friend of mine who I recently gave the url to my blog. Her reaction was interesting. She found it kind of heartbreaking. That gave me pause. I know in my about me section I explain a little of the purpose of the existence of this, but maybe I should elaborate a bit more. Thus, this piece is about the blogs purpose and will touch pretty heavily on my experience as a transgendered female.
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I am, at the moment, very interested in the idea of vastness, as previous posts have suggested. It has a great deal of subtlety and the nice thing about it is that there is a wide variety of ways to experience it. I have been conducting a Working that expresses itself in verse. I am not exactly sure the final destination of this Working, but it is a synthesis of my experience with creation, Will, magical intent, and Understanding. As a subtext to it all is the idea of fear/dread experienced through the medium of vastness. This is one such piece.
Intersections are about choices. They are about focus and direction. Which road is the one that will lead to your desired destination? Are there multiple ways to get where you are going? Does one direction look like it will alter you in more significant ways than another, yet lead you to the same place? More importantly, and this is key, do you even have a destination? This idea is part of the nuance of the crossroads. It is the conjunction of choice and opportunity.
It is impossible, I say with a cutesy grin on my face. Truly. A friend of mine asked how you survive the Dark Night of the Soul (referred to as DNotS from here). The simple answer is you don’t. Your body likely will make it through, though that is never a guarantee. The purpose of the DNotS being to alchemically change the core of your being, not everyone physically survives it (though, I have only sporadically heard of cases where suicide was the end result and those are few and far between) and a great many more suffer psychological breakdown (this being the more common occurrence where a nervous breakdown happens or there is so drastic a change their lives fall completely apart). I am, by no means, an expert in this and if you are actively aware you are going through this process and are feeling like you are tipping over the edge, I would strongly recommend you seek professional council. I do (though, full disclosure, it is for symptoms related to this process, not because of the process itself). There is no shame in this. So, when I talk about surviving the DNotS, what I mean is that you don’t come out the other side a raving lunatic. The person who enters this process will, in fact, die. That person will never come out. Someone else will.
It is the contemplation of the split that drives me crazy. I mean, how did this even occur? While there is evidence of gender switching in nature, it is generally for a purpose. In reflecting upon myself and my situation, I saw none of that. What I saw was only pain, suffering, and feeling way out of place. There is nothing about being transgender that anyone would ever want. It won’t make you cool or popular. In the dark rooms of my psyche there was only more darkness. That was, until yesterday. Yesterday at work I wound up in a conversation with the only co-worker that knows about me being transgender. He happened upon a video that has been going viral about a very young child that is a transgender (female to male). As a side note, that video completely broke me down. It is really good. I will post the link at the conclusion of this piece. Anyway, after an afternoon company meeting, we went back to our shared office and he closed the door.
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Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
April 2019
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