OMG! I just realized the last time I posted anything for public consumption (giggle… consumption. Ahem) was just about two years ago. I think that is much too long, don’t you? Wait, is there anyone still around who would even read this silliness? Hmm, probably not. Still, it is an excellent way to magically throw my voice out there and see what comes back. After all, we all want to be gods, do we not?
OMG! I just realized the last time I posted anything for public consumption (giggle… consumption. Ahem) was just about two years ago. I think that is much too long, don’t you? Wait, is there anyone still around who would even read this silliness? Hmm, probably not. Still, it is an excellent way to magically throw my voice out there and see what comes back. After all, we all want to be gods, do we not?
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So I have this mélange of ideas roaring through my head like a fast flowing river. It woke me up in the dawning light this morning and wouldn’t let go. I am making the leap that my subconscious just couldn’t wait to toss water in my face and yell, “Wakey, wakey!” Mean bitch that she is. At any rate, my racing mind is primarily a result of my insurance company throwing another denial at me for gender reassignment surgery. This is the second time. The kicker is, I have the best insurance plan I have ever had short of when I was in the military. Yet, the plan I have excludes this surgery. In fact, while most of the major healthcare providers proudly exclaim that they do have coverage for this treatment/surgery, what they don’t tell you is that the plans that they sell to companies will exclude this coverage by default unless the company purchasing it specifically removes that exclusion. I’m pretty sure the providers do not advertise that this exclusion is in there (or any other for that matter). That being said, this is not really what I think I want to write about. What I want to write about, or more specifically, think about through writing is the why is it important to me. I seem to spend a lot of time not being anybody in particular. Sometimes I enjoy this or at least find it intellectually interesting. Most of the time it is uncomfortable and lonely. My issue is that I thought I knew myself pretty well. I have always been introspective and interested in the capabilities of the mind to hide itself from, well, me. I have always felt parts of my makeup have been missing, but I had always felt like I was, I guess, complete. Then, after years of probing, I figure out I was primarily living a constructed lie and the real me lay beneath layers of psychological protection that I was unaware I had built. It is some pretty impressive stuff, if I do say so myself. Too bad there isn’t a market for my mad skills! Initiatory work sucks. I mean that in the nicest way possible. It is just that the work itself is quite difficult. The self-analysis; seeking the next great internal vista to explore; finding new and varied pitfalls, some of which are very deep and require considerable effort to climb out of; licking wounds and healing from said experience of stepping off a cliff. The list goes on. Those of you who walk this path understand this well. Those of you about to embark on this type of journey, you have been given fair warning. Those of you who have never considered this, well, now is your opportunity. With all of this being said, I would like to take that context and talk about my mother.
Letting go is such an incredible task. It is unpleasant in a way that creates physical consequences. If you are not a therapist, you don’t like to talk about it. You don’t think about it. It is like the contemplation of death. You don’t do it because there are no answers, no way to predict the unknown even a smidge. All you know is that it must be faced, but until that moment, you sit there in denial. If you ignore it, it will stay at bay and you can live your life. But can you? Can you really ignore it when you can feel the black dog staring at you all the while? I think not.
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Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
April 2019
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