There are dangers to the contemplation of emptiness. I am not talking about the emptiness of my tea mug right now, which clearly needs to be filled with more Earle Grey (be right back). Ah, now that’s better. Anyway, where was I? Oh, so emptiness is an interesting concept to explore. It is an instigator of Vastness. It also has the benefit of being something you can set up to experience yourself.
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Sometimes it seems like I am going around in circles. I think I am making some kind of progress only to feel like I am being crushed beneath the weight of it all again. I am constantly making mistakes, hurting myself or hurting those around me. The process of transition is not a kind one. It is funny, you know, how transformations in nature are such a commonplace event, yet, when a person attempts or requires it, all hell breaks loose.
It is an emotionally draining experience. Every time I tell someone I care about that I am transgender, watching them register shock (even if they try to poker-face it, it doesn’t work. Some things are just too much for that to be effective) and attempt to process and make sense of it, just kills me. I want to be able to tell people myself, but I can’t stand doing it. I know how traumatic it can be. It makes me feel like a banshee wailing in a person’s impending doom. It is not a terribly desirable position to be in. I can’t imagine the banshee punching in the time clock and thinking what an incredibly satisfying job it has. Wait, yes I can. Oh, never mind.
I still live mostly in the shadows. I love using that phrase, though it brings forth a scene in the mind that brings you to film noir or a psychological thriller. My life is not nearly so exciting (though I would love to get my hands on some of the wardrobes). By this I simply mean that I am still not able to exist as I am. I exist as a fabrication. While some may think that it isn’t so bad to do so, I can assure you that prolonged hiding behind a façade is exhausting and unhealthy.
I do spend a fair bit of my writing time on subjects as light and fluffy as initiatory processes, transgender issues, and the dark night of the soul. I know, I could chew on some weightier topics, but I write about what tends to affect me at the time. So, you can kind of see how my brain works after reading a few of my posts. Do not despair though! I thought I might branch out this week into something contemplative and that affects and is part of millions of lives. No, no, not the meaning of life. Think bigger. Yes, I think you are feeling me now. Angry Birds! That’s it!
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Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
April 2019
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