My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
My life is surreal. I really didn’t intend for it to turn the way it has. I wasn’t supposed to be different. I didn’t actually want to be different. Lemming sounded good to me even though I had no idea when I was young what a lemming was. Come to think of it, I really know very little about lemmings other than they are small and furry and apparently have a thing for high diving. I think I am a bit off track here. Right, so, anyway, my future as I saw it way back when was the typical middle class American dream that we are all indoctrinated to as young people. I wanted a good paying job, a house without a fence (I suppose I was divergent there. Uh oh.), and two point five kids, though I wasn’t sure what to do with the half kid. Can you buy an expansion kit that will allow you to make it a whole kid? What if they come in a variety and you just get what you get? If my half is Caucasian and I purchase the expansion kit and I wind up with Asian that could get a bit awkward. Shit, I derailed again. My point being, I expected my life to be very different.
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"For a long time, I was afraid to be who I am because I was taught by my parents that there’s something wrong with someone like me. Something offensive, something you would avoid, maybe even pity. Something that you could never love." - Nomi from Sense8 “The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we’re too afraid to be who we really are.” – Nomi from Sense8 I think about these lines. I think about them a lot. The fact that the second quote is spoken by a transgendered person while relating a small piece of her history to another who is struggling with his own demons just goes to show that it applies generally. I naturally apply it to myself and my own situation as a transgendered female. Hell, I just struggle with the idea of carrying that label. In a previous post, I believe I have explained why I dislike that particular label. Trans, as a prefix, implies a movement across something. In the case of a transgendered individual, we do not identify with our biological gender, so we move (trans) from the incorrect biological gender to the correct biological gender. Once you have completed that very difficult journey, you are no longer trans-anything. You are what is at the conclusion of your journey. Thus, when my journey is finished I will not be a transgendered female, I will simply be a female. That being said, this journey creates a lot of scars that aren’t always visible on the surface.
Sometimes it seems like I am going around in circles. I think I am making some kind of progress only to feel like I am being crushed beneath the weight of it all again. I am constantly making mistakes, hurting myself or hurting those around me. The process of transition is not a kind one. It is funny, you know, how transformations in nature are such a commonplace event, yet, when a person attempts or requires it, all hell breaks loose.
Your memory is a funny thing. We are all convinced that what we remember is, in fact, true to every clear detail. It has become increasingly clear through scientific study that memory is not as permanent or objective as we would like to think. Heck, I play the memory game with my family and it is clear that some of the things that I remember, each of the individuals that were present seem to recall it differently, though ever so slightly it might be. We like to package our experiences up in many different ways. We wrap some up and tuck them away. Some of them we embellish with ribbons and bows. Others we twist ever so slightly to put ourselves in better light. Some, we throw away entirely, or so we think. This last one is one I would like to bring out.
It is the inflexibility that really gets to me. I am fine with someone being intolerant of another’s position or state so long as they have given it considered thought, weighed it against how they live and the framework of their ethics and morals, and then decide to walk away without damage to either party. Why can’t it be so? Is there some reason that disparagement, banishment, or, in worst case, violence is necessary? What is accomplished here?
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Lasciel AnnwynnI am one of those. Yes, that kind. I poke around in the corners and lesser explored paths of life looking for it's mysteries. There is so much magic in the world when you open your perception to it. Look with eyes of wonder. Archives
April 2019
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